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Only at the Upright Citizens Brigade Theatre can you start a show 30 minutes late & nobody gives a damn! My only guess is that everybody knows they’re about to see a raunchy, hilarious show- and this was no exception.

UPLATE! with Lord Voldemort was a Harry Potter spoof in the form of a late night talk show to celebrate the long awaited release of the final Harry Potter book. This “live taping” was complete with Lord Voldemort as the host with his trusty sidekick Wormtail at his side and (of course) the obvious late night talk show band.

The costumes & makeup were horrible & atrocious in the BEST possible way- smiles were beaming at the campy & half-assed quality of it all.

So, Voldie was convinced that the Harry Potter series was his own biography (not a story about our beloved HP) & he hasn’t even read the books! He must be the only one in the entire world (including Muggles & Wizarding folks). He & Ms. Rowling had a little disagreement over who’d been through the darkest times.

According to He Who Must Not Be Named, the studio set was actually IN Hogwarts, but “it was enchanted to look like a comedy theatre set in a grocery store basement”. The audience was seated in the four houses of Hogwarts. (I was in Slytherin- gulp!) The show’s producer kept having to interrupt the Dark Lord to remind him that the word Mudblood was not politically correct and, of course, to keep giving airtime to the important corporate sponsors of the wizarding community.

Special guest stars included J. K. Rowling, The Boy Who Lived (aka Harry Potter), Ron & Hermione, the Weasley Twins & Professor Snape. Oh & guess what?!- Sirius Black had a makeover into a dancin’ pimp daddy & was working for the show as a bodyguard.

A few crowd favorite moments were:
1) The sorting hat, which was rigged on a simple rope & pulley system & just ALMOST worked. A few lucky audience members were selected to be sorted into the appropriate Hogwarts houses.

2) Erotic Reading by Professor Snape, which believe it or were dirty stories taken from real internet postings of X-rated adventures betwixt our Hero Harry & the despised Draco Malfoy. It’s kinda funny to see what people write about on the internet, a bit disturbing, but quite funny nonetheless- crowd was groaning, grimacing and smiling all the way through.

3) Those jokester Weasley twins were at it again with their own rendition of Who’s On First, but of course the sport in question was Quidditch. What’s on the Quaffle?! And, Who’s the Seeker anyway?!

And I can’t forget…

4) The Video Tribute to Albus Dumbeldore set to Boyz II Men’s “It’s So Hard To Say Goodbye to Yesterday”, detailing his life through the familiar JK Rowling inspired events & then some epic events that I didn’t remember him attending, but I’m sure were completely accurate (MLK speech, Tenement Square, Abu Ghraib & so on)

Overall, OMG, seriously- why was it one night only? It was so funny I would see it again. Do it again! Do it again! Do it again!

Seriously- why do guys cheat?

I don’t know, but while you’re still trying to figure out the answer to that one, go see the clever & quirky new play The Chronological Secrets of Tim produced by the Impetuous Theatre Group.

If you take my advice here are some of the things you’ll encounter: an X with an addiction to Mexican food, a straight man with a fetish for Madonna music, painful truths, comforting lies, sordid affairs, a broken hearted man that may or may not try to throw himself from a window in an “overdramatic suicide attempt”, lesbians (of course), drunken roommates & a soundtrack straight from your college days.

Best thing about this play is the kickass writing by playwright Janet Zarecor. Great lines like: A toast “To two women stuck in one man’s life.” and “Is that Malibu rum?” asked by an X-girlfriend while our sweet, disfunctional hero is hanging out the window. But, my favorite exchange:

MANDA: If they are still standing around when I’m finished rambling it’s a key indicator that they can make it to the next step.

TIM: Next step?

MANDA: Yeah, marriage.

TIM: What?!

MANDA: Did I say marriage? I meant coffee.

The whole cast was great. Notable performance by Kira Blaskovich, playing Alexandra- she had a great look, a nifty stage presence and I really felt that her lines were her own words spilling from her mouth. You go girl!

The theatre was a cool space if you don’t mind a 4th floor walk-up & broiling in a room with 63 other theatre-goers… ahhhhhh, welcome to NY Off Broadway Theatre in the summertime. They do sell bottled water, so just dress in a swimsuit & you’ll be okay. (I’m kidding- so please don’t wear a swimsuit unless you just look ravishingly smashing in it.)

Back to the play: If you’re 30 you’ll totally GET it & totally LOVE it!! I’m not sure it is that relevant to other age groups, though, hmmmm…. have to think on that one… but hey, the mature chicks (aka old ladies) in the audience were giggling, so maybe I’m wrong. Anyways- the entire audience was cracking up laughing, so check it out, it’s fun.

Two things I learned from this play: 1) Be careful what you write down in your diary or journal- it just might come back to bite you AND 2) Flashback sex… sounds fabulous- I’m going to have to try that!

The Chronological Secrets of Tim runs through June 3rd, Thursday through Sunday, 8 PM (& 1 Monday, May 28th 8 PM performance) at The Gallery Theatre at Access Theatre. Buy tickets online or just show up & buy them at the door.

Is it just me?? Am I just that fucking trashy or does everyone hate to tip the bathroom attendant lady?

Don’t get me wrong- she was lovely, kind and even suggested that I de-static my top, but you know- I really don’t see the point of having a bathroom attendant at all! And- YES, you people- of course I DID tip her (I’m not that tacky). Although it meant I had to dig into my bag/wallet/pocket/bra/money-stash with my freshly washed hands to pull out dirty money, then wash my hands all over again (cause who isn’t fucking OCD these days?). I must admit, though- my top did look much better sans static.

So, hey- Crash Mansion’s pretty cool with it’s mongo space and all, so I went to catch a few bands on Friday, 5/4. They started with an open bar at the beginning of the night- ahh… just my style.

SO… THE BANDS:
Missed the first band cause the promo didn’t clearly say what time the first band went on.

Aloud was cool and had a good following- lots of people in the crowd. They had great energy and the band had an awesome comradery apparent to the audience. Two really strong singers- music was really good, good sound, but to be completely honest a few of the tones hurt my ears. I think it may have just been the microphone- maybe??

Radio America was good with kind of an eccentric sound, although the energy level dropped a bit when they came on. They were good though and there were some really great solo moments by the band.

Caffeine hit the stage and blew me away with their mad, hot sound. Talk about energy- they were exploding. They’re from the UK and are about to head out to tour Hollywood. Their CD is good too, but you really should try to catch these guys live to capture their ‘Fuck ya’ energy. And, who doesn’t love guys with a British accent?? Catch them at The Bamboozle this Sunday.

Overall: Great roster of bands, cool space. Although, I swear I lost about a decibel of my hearing- maybe tomorrow my ears will stop ringing? 4 bands may have been a bit too much to squeeze into the night- last band was playing close to 1 in the morning and the crowd had pretty much gone home by that point- which was really too bad as they were the best band of the night.

Rock on till next time…

Most everyone I passed on the street today looked at me kinda funny, which I suppose had something to do with the HUGE backwards henna tattoo on my forehead: “EVERYTHING WILL BE TAKEN AWAY”.

If you’re wondering what possessed me to do this (and the other 60 - 100 or so other NYC folks out there walking around with the same message emblazoned on their heads)… it’s all in the name of art.

Adrian Piper, an extremely educated conceptual artist and philosopher based in Berlin who rumor has it avoids traveling to America due to being on a creepy security list that apparently involves all sorts of fun airport searches, is putting her latest art piece on people’s bodies.

Everything #10 is art turned social experiment and was made possible through Creative Time- an organization that brings art to the community. Producer Gavin and Intern Tess were onsite for the project and really cool people in general. Henna artist and musician, Mollie King, painted everyone during the 2 day project. I personally want to know how she can write backwards! Oh and it’s backwards because that way it is legible to each individual when they look in the mirror.

King, who admits she was at first a bit skeptical about the project, came to truly appreciate the significance of it all as she literally painted the mendhi/henna onto people’s heads over and over again. It became her mantra- the meaning deepening with each new subject that trickled in.

HOMEWORK:
All participants will be keeping a journal of their experience 3 times a day until the henna fades completely in approximately 4- 10 days. Then, on the 1 year anniversary they are asked to review their journals and share their thoughts on the project.

MY EXPERIENCE SO FAR:
Today it just means that I have backwards letters stuck on my head. By the time the message fades I think it will mean much more. I’m looking forward to this.

So far, many stares have come my way on the subway, in stores and restaurants and on the street. The 1st person to actually acknowledge it directly was a very nice homeless man. When I saw him approaching I started gathering the change in my pocket, but he only wanted an answer to his query: “What them words on yo head say?” When I told him, he just looked at me with knowing eyes, nodded and walked on.

A child on the subway finally asked what everyone else on the train was wondering- Is that a tattoo? Why’s it on your head? Does it come off? Why did you get it? Does it hurt? Some people smiled, some rolled their eyes, some pretended to ignore me completely.

I have a date tonight- he wants to stay in instead of hanging out with the mantra-headed artsy-lookin chick- HA! I think not- I want to wander the streets to see what the reactions will be.

Overall: This is a crazy way to spend a few days. I’m looking at people through different eyes through this process- learning a bit about people and society. I’ll be interested to follow this project to see others reactions, as well as my own. Would you wear art on your head??

Groggy, groaning, gurgly noises.

My head is killing me and WHERE are my PANTS??!! Well, let’s see… the last thing I remember was something about Left Foot on Blue- OH MY GOD… that’s right- last night I was at Disco Crisco Twister!!!!!

*****FLASHBACK TO LAST NIGHT*****

I arrive cool and collected to Arlene’s Grocery, a trashy little place with great style- just the kinda place where ‘Drama Queen’ shirts, converse sneaks and red leopard skin dresses abound. There’s a crowd playing FlipCup (and yes- it’s a drinking game).

Dana Sterling (Queen of Amateur Female Jello Wrestling) and Annie Rocks (Music Promoter Extraordinaire) have teamed up once again to bring back the game of Twister, but this time with a twist- they’ve added a colorful slippery Crisco-like substance to the game board. And, believe me- this game is a lot more interesting than it used to be.

The Ramblers, the house band, plays the Disco Crisco theme song with guest singer Stephanie from Rotten Cheri. An event with it’s own theme-song sounds like a good idea to me. Food Will Win the War had a different sound- go East Village!

DJ Skintight kept the great tunes coming when the bands weren’t playing. Colin, Alan and Jessica were our Emcees for the evening.

COLIN: Let’s lube this shit! (The slippery stuff is added & the games begin.)

Right Hand Green, Left Foot Red. I will survive, hey, hey.

ALAN: From here I feel like a proctologist with all these butts in the air. Dana is lubing up Becca, the birthday girl.

COLIN: That’s dangerous right there.

Right Foot Yellow, Left Hand Blue.

COLIN: This twister board has a mind of it’s own.

ALAN: Next time we should do it with a Ouiji board- I like the idea of evil spirits telling you where to go.

Dana takes on the board. I need some hot stuff baby this evening. She’s a very freaky girl, the kind you can’t take home to mother.

Left Foot Green, Right Foot Red. It’s the eye of the tiger, it’s the thrill of the fight.

GUY ON TWISTER BOARD: He’s fuckin’ drippin’ sweat on me, dude— just go!

Left Foot Yellow, Left Hand Red. Just beat it, no one wants to be defeated.

Unexpectedly, this game of twister turns into twister in your underwear. Dude on board starts losing his boxers, but cannot move, lest he lose the game of twister. He’s not about to back down. Dana and Becca wrestle his boxers off of him. People- we now officially have erotic, lubed up, naked Disco Crisco Twister and everyone is covered in green goo.

Kindergarten takes the stage with an animated performance and fresh punk/funk sound. The NY moon is beautiful. They start losing their clothes, too.

BECCA: When in doubt, get naked!

Everyone on the dance floor is in their underwear- the undies have taken over!

Overall: It’s juvenile in the best possible way, it’s ridiculous, its fun! Come alone or with friends- play or even just sit on the sidelines and watch the action from an unsticky vantage point. It was kinda a mix between a frat party drunken brawl and a child’s sweet, innocent birthday party. I don’t even remember who won, but I would definitely do it again. Catch Disco Crisco Twister monthly.

Now, let’s see… what happened to my pants??

I sheepishly wandered into the room and there she was… Dottie Lux- a poised vision in her false eyelashes and her little cap-sleeved cherry red top with dainty white buttons, effortlessly emitting a lovely, timeless quality as if she just stepped out of a picture book from another era.

The Red Hots Burlesque School of Shimmy is “the only school where you can get your PHD in Take-it-off-ology!”. On April 18th I attended the first class in a series of 4- called Burlesque 101, hosted by Dottie Lux (who has 6 years of burlesque experience under those pasties).

We started with a little historical lesson on Burlesque through the ages including The Golden Age of Burlesque (30’s - 50’s) and Neo-Burlesque (80’s - today), which led to a dialogue about the role of Burlesque in society and how it is compared with some other forms of entertainment such as stripping and dance; and talked about some influential female personalities throughout art and pop culture.

There were 10 of us in the class, and we all went around and shared our insecurities about our own bodies. Dots explained that we should embrace our bodies and celebrate our quirks. It was fun to hear what all the ladies LIKED about their bodies, too- everything from eyes to smiles to boobs and everything in between.

After choosing our fancy Burlesque names, Dottie showed us the fabulous five Burlesque movements: The Bump, The Grind, The Shake, The Shimmy and my personal favorite- The Showcase. Then it was our turn to try out the moves- lots of giggling ensued and everyone felt more comfortable when we donned some of Dottie’s extra costume pieces such as sexy long gloves and fluffy feather boas.

Burlesque is playful, it’s truly an artform that can be empowering to women! Thoughtfulness, creativity, purpose, costume and music as well as a slow and deliberate tease are all key ingredients for a successful performance. For some it’s a genuine way to live their lives. “I have to bump while cleaning the house”, Dottie says with a smile, “otherwise I just can’t clean.”

Believe it or not- all clothes were left on for this first class (except for the extra added pieces). I’m totally checking out the next classes in the series! I DO hope we get to learn that tassel twirl- I just can’t figure out how to make my girls swing like that!

UPCOMING CLASSES IN THIS SERIES:
April 25: Burlesque 201
May 9: Burlesque on a Budget
May 16th: Finishing Touches
End of May: School of Shimmy Showcase
Classes are at the Den of Cin (now if that ain’t a play on words!).

Next Full Class Series: TBD
Private individual or group classes also available upon request.

You really have to love a Lanford Wilson script- I mean come on- the man’s a cool playwright & he’s not even dead, yet. (Happy 80th B-Day Lanford!)

I was excited to watch the The Sackett Group’s production of The Mound Builders at the Brooklyn Music School Playhouse directed by John C. Scheffler; and was taken on a thrilling ride through a tale of love affairs, broken hearts, violence, deceit, mistrust, betrayal, secret bi-sexual fantasies, who the baby daddy, drunken stupidity and possible disappearance/murder.

The first 2 minutes of low energy made me a teensy bit worried, but the pace picked up quite quickly & pulled me right into a dynamic performance. It was a bit like a choose your own adventure game- you kinda got to pick your own ending or at least got to draw your own freaky conclusions- fun!

The straightforward lighting design smoothly transitioned the intentional lapses in time. The set was simple, yet completely adequate. What was up with that cheesy desk, though?

Noteworthy performances by Johnathan Pereira (Dr. Dan Loggins) and Deborah Harris (Delia DK Erikson); Pereira’s realistic presence brought believability to this physical role. Harris, stationary for most of the show delighted us with her killer line delivery and interaction with other characters.

By far, the most challenging role in the Mound Builders is that of Chad Jasker, powerfully played by Paul Newport. The most natural and comfortable performer on stage- Newport eats, lives & breathes Chad Jasker. The play is worth coming to see for Newport’s performance alone.

Of course, even with a good production there are always little poopsies along the way, so- here’s what bugged me:
1) Were those twist off beer caps?? I’m guessing that’s a no no for 1975.

2) 3 women at imaginary window downstage describing what the audience can’t see to move the plot along- okay fine- it’s a well-known theatrical technique built into the script, but WAIT… this blocking was sloppy. Where exactly WAS that imaginary window? The gals were looking in different directions! Seriously guys, it’s called the 4th wall & it’s taught in like Theatre 101. So, pick ONE spot, please.

3) Play jumped back & forth in time, really should have been made more clear- if office represented a different time, then leave it that way- it was confusing!

4) Sorry, but you lost me on some of the costumes. In this kind of play, if you notice the costumes it’s probably not a good thing. One character’s wardrobe in particular was all over the place & didn’t make sense at all. (But hey- Jean had a FABULOUS pair of wedges! I totally want a pair for spring to go with my new pedi.)

5) Was that elastic on the ancient burial mask? Okay, maybe I’m easily distracted, but it drove me crazy, nonetheless- next time maybe find a period appropriate alternative.

Now, back to the good stuff: I liked this show a lot- liked the theatre, liked the cast- impressive. This, the solid directing, plus the friendly antics of Producing Director Dov Lebowitz Nowak both before and after the performance- will make me come see another Sackett Group production.

Overall: Great show, very well done– support NYC theatre and go see it!!! Runs through April 29th Thursday’s through Saturdays at 8 PM, Sundays at 3 PM.

Psssstttttt, hey there… yah, you… apparently there’s a secret universe unbeknownst to the rest of us – some sort of underground clown culture that is truly a world of its own.

I had the dorky pleasure of experiencing this at The New York Downtown Clown Revue on April 16th. I am NOT a clown, so I decided that the next best thing was to watch the show WITH a clown, so I spent the evening hanging with my clown friend Funny Honey and watching her reactions.

I was greeted at the door by a creepy, drooling zombie-like clown that started following me, and after a brief moment of almost frantically running for my life in the opposite direction, I decided that I must be in the right place.

Christopher Lueck, host and producer of the show, explained that this was a Clown Playground of sorts where the goal is to present the broadest range of clowning styles, sort of like a workshop where clowns can explore their craft. So, the revue is different every time with new performers. Amanda Pekoe, another producer watched the show with the audience. Most of the audience consisted of members of the clown community (and then there was me!).First up was DZIECI. Picture an entire chorus full of bucktoothed, burlap-swaddled odd- looking characters singing in 4 part harmony. WHAT REALITY DID I FALL INTO?? They were acting out an innocent sacrificial lamb sacrifice (puppet lamb of course). Funny Honey squeals, “Hahaha- I love puppets!” in her adorable sing-songy voice. I smile.

Suddenly the lamb talks them into an innocent HUMAN sacrifice instead, followed by the group chasing the poor biggest dumb guy through & on top of the audience (quite literally). The audience clowns were laughing and I was giggling in spite of myself.

I honestly felt quite guilty watching and laughing at them because they kinda seemed like a group of retarded children. A friendly clown audience member explained to me that that was indeed the point- this Grotowski inspired style of clowning intentionally breaks all the rules to take you to a deeper realm of gutteral, more primal performance, where uncomfortable reactions from the audience are a good thing. Apparently this form of performance is rare and seeing DZIECI perform was actually a unique privilege.

Brent McCoy was a more traditional type of clown in big pants and suspenders and it was fun to watch him juggle 3 orange traffic cones while balancing 2 on his head. Dottie Lux performed a hot little burlesque number in clown face- she can really work a crowd and a pair of fishnets and pasties.

Ariane Anthony (pictured above) gave a quirky-fun performance/lecture on the earth’s animals and environmental concerns while intentionally sharing the most unsexy cabaret number ever known in the history of cabaret numbers, complete with briefcase, librarian glasses and clown nose. (Go Ariane for bringing awareness to earth/animal issues in a creative way- as a tree/bunny hugger- I was quite impressed!)

My absolute favorite clown act of the evening was Mark Gindick. This extremely physical performance started with air guitar and transitioned into body guitar when dance partner Kathryn Fraggos joined him on stage. Soon they were awing us with lifts and twirls in true ice-skater fashion to a crazy version of “Roxanne”. Kudos to choreographer, Wendy Seyb.

Overall: A few of the performances went on a tad too long, but they were all pretty cool and creative. For clowns it’s clownarific! For general public its dorky fun. For boring, stupid or high-falutin’ people it would be something to avoid at all costs. So, if all the world’s a stage & everyone’s a clown, go dust off that silly old red clown nose & make somebody smile. The New York Downtown Clown Revue happens on the 3rd Monday of every month.

Who is Fluff?

A 6 foot 3ish fluffy-haired master of fun that knows positively EVERY event going on in NYC and has sometimes been spotted wearing a fuzzy black kitty cat hat with pink puffballs; basically, he’s really just a cool guy nicknamed Fluff (aka Geoff with a G) that really LOVES birthday parties.
He loves them so much he threw an Exploding Dinner Shindig for his own B-day at his fab little Brooklyn dwelling on April 7th. The “totally free House Party with love” decorations included colorful 80’s prom style streamers, duct tape, glowing Boo decorations and even the kitchen Virgin Mary was decked out in pink & aluminum foil letters reading “I Heart You Christ Love”.

Costumes were encouraged, backyard activities were complete with Kitty Girl Emmeline showing off her skilled hoopster moves, a little poi, exploding ice bombs, FIRE and Airwolf- whoosh! For curious minds- Airwolf was a home-made circus ride: just picture a grown man tummy down on a rolling office chair spinning out of control while blowing a leaf blower at the crowd- strange, yet freakishly entertaining.

There was plenty to do- like roasting marshmallows over an open flame (yum), playing old school teenage drinking games, avoiding the creepy guy, pounding the shit out of the Turtle Dude pinata filled with candy, condoms & unmentionables and taking shots from the popular Mobile Assault Ice Luge (MAIL)- a block of ice strapped to a clanky shopping cart sometimes attached to a child’s bouncy-horse pony.

Crowd consisted mostly of burners, tribe peeps, friends and weird-ass acquaintances. Co-event planner Paul/DJ Gay Bezerker was rockin out with records in the DJ booth, while we were sipping on sangria, munching on paella and getting our minds sucked secretly out of our bodies compliments of Electric Sheep.

My favorite question of the night was: who were the naked folks scrambling around in the basement? Seriously, who was that???

Overall: This party was so wrong it was right. Fluff left his own party at 6 AM. The evening was peculiar and outlandishly pleasurable! Thanks to the speed of viral advertising, networking sites & internet connections- Fluff was actually invited to his own party 3 separate times- Ha! Fluff, you are so UNCOOL! Party pics

Wow, I’m not really sure what to say about Fearsome’s Gungrease, except to say that it was good clean fun- the kind of fun that you can take your mom and grandma to. WAIT! STOP! UNH UH! That’s not right at all. This show was a filthy, guilty pleasure. Sometimes I found myself laughing and then suddenly I would feel all dirty inside. Then, I looked around at the other audience members and realized we were all feeling the same way- everybody was wearing a very guilty grin.

Did they really just say that? Did they really just do that? The last song of the evening was so raunchy that you might actually be a little ashamed of yourself for laughing- sadly (or not so sadly) the song is still running through my head- over and over again.

The Fearsome team worked well as a unit- dynamic in their staging choices, collaborative in their performance. A few note worthy moments were the initial show opening (aka the whole first act). Then, in the 2nd act Chris’s ‘Yeah’ skit was clever and fun. The teams take on Dateline NBC’s Chris Hanson’s Child Sex Offender show was quite comical and fun, but lasted just a tad bit too long.

Fearsome covered the whole gamut- from accidental death, necrophilia, pedophilia, the joys of fathers and sons sharing time together, grown men in diapers, drinking games and even e coli outbreak.

Seriously though, Fearsome you needed an Act 3. Your hour long show was great ride, but I was just getting warmed up. Next time finish me off.

Overall: It’s fun. Go see it with a dirty-minded loved one. It’ll be at the People’s Improv Theatre (the PIT) through April 20th.