So it’s out! SPIDER-MAN 3 is in the theaters, and. . . . . . wow, everyone says its crap.

I haven’t seen it yet, so I can’t rant quite yet (But check the ‘movies’ section soon, the review will be up in a jiffy.) but as a cross promotion for the film, all the Spider-man comics have him “Back in Black” which means Spidey has gone back to his black suit with the big white spider in the chest, meaning he’s all mean and angry and stuff.

Heck, everyone loves an anti-hero!

Personally, I don’t buy the “back to the darkside” ploy. It didn’t work for Jaime Foxx in Dreamgirls and it doesn’t work for Peter Parker. An actor friend of mine recently illuminated me to the trend that when a franchise wants to pretend that they’ve added depth to a story, they’ll make the claim that “it’s much darker.” Darker = better. Which in the case of Amazing Spider-man’s recent turn, doesn’t apply.

Here’s why Spidey’s back in the black suit:

During Civil War, Spider-Man went pro-SRA and under Iron-Man’s guidance, chose to reveal his identity to the public. Boom. In one issue (Civil War #2) Spider-Man takes off his mask in fornt of a full press corps, and says “Yep. Peter Parker. I’m Spider-Man.” Breaking a more-than-40-year precedent of the secret identity for our web-head.

The primary reason (and logically, the only real reason) Spidey kept his face a secret is because of the fragile, non-super-powered people around him. His frail aunt, his smokin’-hot wife, and every else that doesn’t stand a chance against the Green Goblin or Sandman. But under the SRA act, his most precious Aunt May and Mary Jane would be safe and protected by S.H.E.I.L.D., Iron Man, the Avengers, et al. They were SAFE!!

And then Spider-Man flipped. He joined Captain America and all the other Anti-SRA, assholes putting his precious wife and older-than-dust Aunt into mortal peril by ANY super-powered psycho that knew how to track down this guy named Peter Park whose face was on newspapers all over the city.

Of course, Wilson Fisk: The Kingpin hires an assassin to take out his most beloved, and when a bullet puts little old Aunt May into intensive care, Spidey puts on the Black suit to tell everyone. . . .

“See! I can be baddass too! I can be like Punisher, really I can!”

Bullshit. I slogged through one two lousy issues of Spider-man pretending he can acutally be a killer, talking about being a killer, dressing like an assassin, and claiming multiple times in only one issue that he’s ready to kill anyone who messes with his family. So far his body count is still zero.

We’ve been here before. During the first alien black-suit saga, during the dark periods of the late 90’s with the Harry Osborn Goblin and other haunting stories, but Parker will always be the good natured, caring, loving sentimentalist and I don’t think he’ll have it in him to take out the Kingpin. One big reason:

Spidey got the girl.

Wolverine; Punisher; Daredevil: All genuine baddasses, none of them get (or got) the girl. (Or in all three cases, “the girl” was killed in a horribly brutal fashion.)
Cyclops, Spider-man, Captain America: All upstanding, law-abiding citizen types, all got the girl.

Sometimes all a super-hero needs is the love of a fine woman.

I’m also proud to report that today was the first successful PANELGEEK GROUP! A handful of comic-heads, plus a couple of neophytes gathered at the Bowery Poetry Club to flip through some TPBs I offered to share and discuss favorite writers, storylines, and how modern war-time political climate has helped raise the bar on many series to appeal to a more sophisticated audience.

Read about it in Gothamist (soon)

The PANELGEEK GROUP will meet the second Thursday of every month at Bowery Poetry, and we hope to see you there!