Archive for April, 2007

Every Thursday, Chelsea Clearview Cinema shows classic films. At $6.50, it sounded like a great way to broaden my knowledge of film so off I went to see the
exclusive 7 PM showing of Harriet Craig. As I began to search for a seat in the maroon theatre, something felt different….
Finding an aisle seat in the left row, I look around. Two things quickly become clear:

1. The theatre is a lot more crowded than I expected for a film that I’ve never even heard of.

2. Men make up the vast majority of the audience. The woman behind me in the ticket line also ordered a ticket for Harriet Craig, but I don’t see her or any other women in the audience.

I know there’s some sort of pre-show for the Chelsea Classics that came with a warning: “Pre Show for Mature Audiences Only.” What on earth have I gotten myself into? Am I mature enough for whatever is going to happen when Hedda Lettuce begins the pre-show?

“Welcome to the Clearview, where dreams come true!” trills Hedda Lettuce, as if she were standing at the entrance to Disneyland and not some run-of-the-mill city theatre. The spotlight on her, Hedda Lettuce is mesmerizing in a beaded green dress and green highlights in her hair to match her name. “Hello, ladies and gentlemen and everything in between.” Ah, yes, Hedda is a drag queen: “I don’t mind being called anything with the word ‘queen’ in it.”
Turns out the pre-show is nothing raunchier than catty, improvisational banter to get the audience riled up for an old movie. The crowd loves Hedda. I love Hedda. Hedda loves Hedda. It’s clear that in his six years of opening at the Clearview Cinema, Hedda Lettuce has gained quite a loyal following. He seems to know many of the audience members by name. It’s evident that the Chelsea Classics has quite a few regulars (mainly gay men) each Thursday night. Whether they come for Hedda or the movie is unclear.
“How many people who are gay have not seen this film?” Hedda asks the audience, and then polls people’s favorite scenes. Russell has seen Harriet Craig seven or eight times. His favorite scene is when Harriet is having a “fussy” conversation, and in his best Joan Crawford act recites the lines when she scolds her servants for going up and down the stairs. When Steven begins to speak, Hedda interrups, “Oh, what a lisp. You’re so gay!” Then poses the same question, “how many times have you seen this movie?” to which he responds, “Today?” His favorite scene is “when the maid tells her off.”
Then “Bucket Boy” comes out to give away the prizes. Several people win movie tickets. There’s a big shocker.
Harriet Craig is “Martha Stuart on crack,” according to Hedda. As the black-and-white film begins to play, Hedda’s quip seems an understatement. Harriet Craig doesn’t clean or cook — she has servants and a cousin who does that for her. They must keep her house positively spotless. Of course, Harriet’s insistence on having a house that is perfect is a metaphor for wanting to control her home life.
More specifically, Harriet Craig controls her husband. The film is rich with sexual power plays and clever remarks about gender, such as when Harriet says, “No man’s born ready for marriage; he has to be trained.”
Harriet Craig, directed by Vincent Sherman and written by Anne Froelich and James Gunn, is brilliant. A pure cinematic gem. And the audience is delightful. They cheer and clap for Joan Crawford, who plays the domineering housewife. Their robust, over-the-top laughter shows how much they love the film. Seeing Harriet Craig with a bunch of gay men in Chelsea ranks as one of my all-time favorite movie-going experiences.

The Freak show is alive and well in Brooklyn, really. At Sideshow by the Seashore lives the last bastion of the vaudeville scene that once defined Coney Island. It’s a classic venue offering mentalists, magicians, burly’q and an old fashioned 10 in 1 show.

I went for a visit on a Friday afternoon when they were holding an open casting call for anybody to come out and break world records. I was immediately won over by the congenial, good humored, fuck all attitude of the salt of the earth people who showed up.

Paul Nardizzi: A stand up comic and soccer player he holds two world records. The first is doing a standup routine that lasts 8 minutes and has 73 punch lines in it. The second is juggling a football with his feet, getting upwards of 40 bounces. Today he attempted to break his juggling record. He didn’t succeed, but was still met with warm applause and encouragement.

Paddy Doyle, “The World’s Fittest Endurance Athlete”: This dude holds over a hundred world records. Last week he broke ten records in an hour. Today he strapped a backpack filled with 40 pounds of sand to his back then did step ups using two cider blocks stacked up as his step. He did this for an hour! He beat his old record, of 716, by doing it 911 times. A true gentleman, he thanked everybody for coming and shook all our hands.

Pete Tino, “The Human Floor”: For this one the entire crowd had to go out to the street where Pete took off his shirt and lay down on his back. Then 15 people, collectively weighing 2,313 lbs, stood on him for ten seconds. Pete told me he’s very big in the S&M and B&D scenes. I totally want to party with this guy.

Jared: He is a Blockhead. A Blockhead is somebody who hammers long pointy items into their sinuses. He also dresses like a vampire. Jared took a tootsie roll pop, with a scary long stick, jammed the handle in his left nostril then touched the pop with his tongue.

Thomas Blacke: A magician looking to break his own world record of being the fastest man on the planet to tie a balloon into a poodle. Victory was his as he performed this feat in 4.18 seconds blowing the minds and winning the hearts of all in attendance.

The Great Throwdini: Attempted to break his own record of catching 25 knives thrown at him by International Knife Throwing Hall of Famer Dick Haines. Long story short: The ENTIRE audience fled the theater as Throwdini took a shot to the palm and disappeared backstage in a spray of blood. Good times!

Paul Carpenter: Attempted to regain his world record for the quickest escape from a strait jacket. It took him three attempts, but in the end he triumphed, setting a new record of 10.94 seconds.

Take the trip out to Coney Island and check this place out. It’s a chance to catch a rare glimpse at artistry that most people will never be lucky enough to experience. Also, it’s a blast.

WHAT YOU NEED TO KNOW:

• Upcoming shows click HERE!
• Take the F, N, D or Q to the end of the earth
• This Weekend is Alumni Weekend - Adult Tickets ONLY $6
• Sign up for SIDESHOW SCHOOL or take a BURLESQUE WORKSHOP
• THEY SERVE BEER!

John Vanderslice lets his fans get up on stage and sing with him. That’s how much fun he is. More about that later. Now for the review. The lineup for the evening was Chris Mills, St. Vincent, and John Vanderslice at The Mercury Lounge and it was possibly the best $12 I have ever spent. What a f-ing amazing show and I’m not a big cusser so that means something…something awesome.

The show kicked off with the weak link in the lineup: Chris Mills. He was kind of a dramatic 80s pop/rock singer/songwriter/guitarist and he played with a piano player and so it kinda reminded me of The Boomtown Rats, though just not as memorable. If you had a tape of theirs in your car and you knew all the words, you would sing a long and have a good time, but that’s about it. He was good, but when St. Vincent came on, I completely forgot about him.

By the way, St. Vincent (Annie Clark of Polyphonic Spree fame) is my new obsession. I can’t remember the last time I fell so hard for a musician that I had never even heard of before. She sings, plays guitar, bass, piano, synth, and does all this cool programming stuff. She’s charming and delightful and a seriously skilled and interesting guitarist. She was like…I don’t even want to insult her by comparing her to other female singer/songwriter types. Do yourself a favor and check out her myspace page or better yet see her live cause I don’t think she’ll be playing tiny venues for much longer. Look for her album coming out soon on Beggars Banquet.

Anyway, as I was saying, John Vanderslice lets his fans get up on stage and sing his songs karaoke style while he plays along. Seriously. If you go to his website, you can email him and tell him what song you want to sing or play bass with and he picks one person from each show to come up and do just that. Tonight’s lucky guy was Kevin and I was so jealous! Later in the show, he brought up five audience members to sing backup on “me and my 424″. He was the funnest and so down to earth and he really wants to be friends with his fans and include them in the show. He took requests, he charmed the audience, he gave away a Seiko watch! The audience loved him and he loved us and he didn’t want to leave; so he just kept coming up with more songs to play. Surprise guest Erik Freilander even made an appearance on a couple of tunes and he brought back Annie Clark for the finale. And that’s not all!! At the end of the night John announced that they would be sticking around for a dance party! Yay! He’s doing a show at Union Hall in Brooklyn on Sunday and I already have my ticket. If you can’t make that show, he’ll be at the Mercury Lounge again in September. Please for the love of all things musical do not miss this show. I love music so f-ing much (there I go again with the cussing) and this night reminded me why and I would tell John Vanderslice that right now if I could, but he’s probably out having breakfast with his fans.

Hats can either make you look really cool or really dorky. Picture, for instance, the following celebrities in hats:

There was a time in the not-so-distant past that going out without a hat would be cause for scandal — despite what you looked like in them. Fortunately, Lilly Dache entered the fashion world in the 1930s to save the world from frumpy hats.

Lilly Dache knew how to wear a hat. Not only that, she knew how to make other women feel fabulous in hats, too.

Self-deprecatingly referring to herself as an “ugly duckling” in childhood, Dache confessed, “More than anything else, I wanted to be beautiful.” By the 1950s, she was called a “beauty expert” and named one of the best-dressed women in America. The sappy, uplifting story gives us all hope that we, too, can go from uncool to cool.

Dache set out to transform other women into swans, as well. She knew that outward appearance does in fact play a role in how people are viewed and perceived. She said, “A hat is an expression of a woman’s soul. It is something she wears on her head but it belongs to her heart.”

The French-born milliner built an empire out of designing hats that stretched beyond mere headwear and into the realm of art. The Museum at the Fashion Institute of Technology pays homage to the milliner with its current exhibit Lilly Dache: Glamour at the Drop of a Hat. If you hurry, you can catch it before it closes this Saturday.

There you can see such signature pieces as:

These certainly are a lot fancier than that rag MK’s been sporting on top of her head.

Also on exhibit at FIT right now: She’s Like a Rainbow: Colors in Fashion

Lilly Dache: Glamour at the Drop of a Hat is on view from noon to 8 PM on Tuesday through Friday and from 10 am to 5 pm from now until April 21 at The Museum at FIT (Seventh Avenue at 27th Street, NYC). Admission is free.

I sheepishly wandered into the room and there she was… Dottie Lux- a poised vision in her false eyelashes and her little cap-sleeved cherry red top with dainty white buttons, effortlessly emitting a lovely, timeless quality as if she just stepped out of a picture book from another era.

The Red Hots Burlesque School of Shimmy is “the only school where you can get your PHD in Take-it-off-ology!”. On April 18th I attended the first class in a series of 4- called Burlesque 101, hosted by Dottie Lux (who has 6 years of burlesque experience under those pasties).

We started with a little historical lesson on Burlesque through the ages including The Golden Age of Burlesque (30’s - 50’s) and Neo-Burlesque (80’s - today), which led to a dialogue about the role of Burlesque in society and how it is compared with some other forms of entertainment such as stripping and dance; and talked about some influential female personalities throughout art and pop culture.

There were 10 of us in the class, and we all went around and shared our insecurities about our own bodies. Dots explained that we should embrace our bodies and celebrate our quirks. It was fun to hear what all the ladies LIKED about their bodies, too- everything from eyes to smiles to boobs and everything in between.

After choosing our fancy Burlesque names, Dottie showed us the fabulous five Burlesque movements: The Bump, The Grind, The Shake, The Shimmy and my personal favorite- The Showcase. Then it was our turn to try out the moves- lots of giggling ensued and everyone felt more comfortable when we donned some of Dottie’s extra costume pieces such as sexy long gloves and fluffy feather boas.

Burlesque is playful, it’s truly an artform that can be empowering to women! Thoughtfulness, creativity, purpose, costume and music as well as a slow and deliberate tease are all key ingredients for a successful performance. For some it’s a genuine way to live their lives. “I have to bump while cleaning the house”, Dottie says with a smile, “otherwise I just can’t clean.”

Believe it or not- all clothes were left on for this first class (except for the extra added pieces). I’m totally checking out the next classes in the series! I DO hope we get to learn that tassel twirl- I just can’t figure out how to make my girls swing like that!

UPCOMING CLASSES IN THIS SERIES:
April 25: Burlesque 201
May 9: Burlesque on a Budget
May 16th: Finishing Touches
End of May: School of Shimmy Showcase
Classes are at the Den of Cin (now if that ain’t a play on words!).

Next Full Class Series: TBD
Private individual or group classes also available upon request.

In my opinion, sex, literature, and laughter are all very good things. So, in an attempt to titillate my brain, I stopped by the In the Flesh Erotic Reading Series hosted by the erotic writer/editor and BJ afficionado, Rachel Kramer Bussel (who is also a lovely individual). I’m pleased to report that it surpassed all of my expectations.

All the writers who read were good or great. From stories of accidentally winding up in a porn with Annie Sprinkles, to “the time I banged a clown,” nearly everything had me either crying with laughter or honestly touched. Stories of sloppy sex elicited goofy grins, while hearfelt examinations of ones own sluttiness had me sighing with sympathy. Rachel really does a fabulous job of bringing together a solid group of erotic readers without ever dipping into the seediness or fakey cheese-factor I tend to associate with all things porn.

The crowd was packed into the space, seemed fixated on the speakers the entire time, and were obviously having a good time. If you’re cruising for swingers or someone to give you a different sort of happy ending, you might find a few freaks (I mean that in the nicest possible way) in the crowd, but most people just seemed like highly-literate, normal, geeky people who happen to enjoy sex and fun.

The series is hosted every 3rd Wednesday of the month (so check your calendar) in the upstairs bar section of Happy Ending (at Forsythe and Broome), the vibe of which–like high school sex on a summer night in the back of your Dad’s Buick–was dark, hot, sweaty, cramped, and hilariously awkward. While a more comfortable space would have been nice, I’d hate to see the vibe ruined by a less intimate space, so as long as it stays there suck it up and go early for a good seat.

Pretty people: there will be ugly people there, and they probably have more and better sex than you. It’s true. If this bothers you, please don’t go. As for the rest of you, I’ll probably see you there next time.

Thanks for the photo Viviane. For more pics check out http://www.flickr.com/photos/brianvan/sets/72157600109296432/

NOTE: SPOILERS CONTAINED WITHIN!!!!

I know it’s not right to speak ill of the dead. . . but Captain America was an asshole.

Okay. At this point, I’ve already pissed off thousands of Cap fans, and I’m not sure where to begin on my assessment, so I think the start of Civil War is a good place to start.

And Civil War began with the deaths of 612 ordinary, non-superpowered American citizens in the town of Stamford Connecticut.

And suddenly, all the inner dramas, all the nit-picky little soap-operas between all the super-heros, super-villains, and all the kinda-sorta half-way between-the-two sociopaths like Wolverine and The Punisher, who would be considered serial killers if they weren’t just so darn sexy, NONE OF IT MATTERED!!!

What mattered was that regular people like you and me died so that a group of amateur living weapons could get publicity.

These man-made Gods on Earth began at the dawn of the second World War, and the oldest one to persist to this day was a government-funded, government-produced Super-Soldier project performed on a flawlessly devout American patriot who commited himself to the service of the American Dream ever since.

But the American Dream never planned for mutants, radio-active animal-human hybrids, cyborgs, telepaths, alien symbiotes, et al. And if I had to choose between the safety of maybe 250 million non-powered American citizens and the rights of a few hundred walking WMDs to wear masks and fight/commit crimes at their own discretion, then there really is no choice.

Super-heroes are constantly asked to make sacrifices to protect the “mortals” around them. Now, that sacrifice is revealing themselves to, and working for the U.S. Government. Apparently for some, that was too much to ask.

Captain America (who led the anti-Super-Human-Registration resistance) has always had the problem of living in the past. When the only Super-human was a stalwart, loyal soldier fighting against the greatest evil of the 20th century. Even then, super-humans were a Government Sanctioned Project

Now, in the 21st century Marvel Universe, With so many super-powered beings all across the globe, regulation has become a necessity. And there are no two people I would trust to manage that task then the two greatest minds of the Marvel Universe: Tony Stark (Iron Man) and Reed Richards (Mr. Fantastic.)

Noted, Stark and Richards had their share of mistakes, the biggest of which was the absolute hubris of cloning Thor. That was unforgivable. Otherwise, I felt most of Tony’s decisions were if not right, then at least justified

Cap may be the Ultimate Soldier and Patriot, but he’s no genius. He’s simple. He thinks with his gut, and in this case, his gut-instinct may have been pure, but it was wrong. And at the end of Civil War, he finally realized it at the hands of the heros of the real world: Firefighters, Police officers, and EMTs finally made Cap realize the pointlessness of his stand.

And without Cap, there was no real resistance. Luke Cage and Daredevil are the paranoid brute thugs of the superhero universe who will always thumb their noses at authority. They can’t help themselves.

The Young Avengers are a bunch of amateur punks who would jump on to any bandwagon lead by the Living Legend of WWII, and the rest of the resistance (aka The Secret Avengers) were just sucked in by their guilty consciences. (Spider-Man’s decision to change sides halfways through Civil War are the most tragic and regretable example of Cap’s charisma leading to others making bad choices.)

I could rant forever about this, but instead, lets discuss it at the first PANELGEEK discussion group, TBA for early May.

In the meantime, for the more human side of the Civil War saga, I reccomend you pick up Civil War: Frontline

Which explores

A. the mission of two journalists to explore the details of each side of the war and

B. the story of Robbie Baldwin aka Speedball, one of the “heroes” “responsible” for the Stamford tragedy, and his transformation through guilt into a much darker, much more haunted anti-hero.

Written more intelligently than most of the other battle-driven comics, and concludes each chapter with a vignette alluding to a different war. One linking Spider-man’s internal conflict to the Japanese internment of WWII, and Iron Man’s consolidation of power to the rise of Julius Ceasar at the Rubicon in 59 B.C..

Smart stuff.

You really have to love a Lanford Wilson script- I mean come on- the man’s a cool playwright & he’s not even dead, yet. (Happy 80th B-Day Lanford!)

I was excited to watch the The Sackett Group’s production of The Mound Builders at the Brooklyn Music School Playhouse directed by John C. Scheffler; and was taken on a thrilling ride through a tale of love affairs, broken hearts, violence, deceit, mistrust, betrayal, secret bi-sexual fantasies, who the baby daddy, drunken stupidity and possible disappearance/murder.

The first 2 minutes of low energy made me a teensy bit worried, but the pace picked up quite quickly & pulled me right into a dynamic performance. It was a bit like a choose your own adventure game- you kinda got to pick your own ending or at least got to draw your own freaky conclusions- fun!

The straightforward lighting design smoothly transitioned the intentional lapses in time. The set was simple, yet completely adequate. What was up with that cheesy desk, though?

Noteworthy performances by Johnathan Pereira (Dr. Dan Loggins) and Deborah Harris (Delia DK Erikson); Pereira’s realistic presence brought believability to this physical role. Harris, stationary for most of the show delighted us with her killer line delivery and interaction with other characters.

By far, the most challenging role in the Mound Builders is that of Chad Jasker, powerfully played by Paul Newport. The most natural and comfortable performer on stage- Newport eats, lives & breathes Chad Jasker. The play is worth coming to see for Newport’s performance alone.

Of course, even with a good production there are always little poopsies along the way, so- here’s what bugged me:
1) Were those twist off beer caps?? I’m guessing that’s a no no for 1975.

2) 3 women at imaginary window downstage describing what the audience can’t see to move the plot along- okay fine- it’s a well-known theatrical technique built into the script, but WAIT… this blocking was sloppy. Where exactly WAS that imaginary window? The gals were looking in different directions! Seriously guys, it’s called the 4th wall & it’s taught in like Theatre 101. So, pick ONE spot, please.

3) Play jumped back & forth in time, really should have been made more clear- if office represented a different time, then leave it that way- it was confusing!

4) Sorry, but you lost me on some of the costumes. In this kind of play, if you notice the costumes it’s probably not a good thing. One character’s wardrobe in particular was all over the place & didn’t make sense at all. (But hey- Jean had a FABULOUS pair of wedges! I totally want a pair for spring to go with my new pedi.)

5) Was that elastic on the ancient burial mask? Okay, maybe I’m easily distracted, but it drove me crazy, nonetheless- next time maybe find a period appropriate alternative.

Now, back to the good stuff: I liked this show a lot- liked the theatre, liked the cast- impressive. This, the solid directing, plus the friendly antics of Producing Director Dov Lebowitz Nowak both before and after the performance- will make me come see another Sackett Group production.

Overall: Great show, very well done– support NYC theatre and go see it!!! Runs through April 29th Thursday’s through Saturdays at 8 PM, Sundays at 3 PM.

Psssstttttt, hey there… yah, you… apparently there’s a secret universe unbeknownst to the rest of us – some sort of underground clown culture that is truly a world of its own.

I had the dorky pleasure of experiencing this at The New York Downtown Clown Revue on April 16th. I am NOT a clown, so I decided that the next best thing was to watch the show WITH a clown, so I spent the evening hanging with my clown friend Funny Honey and watching her reactions.

I was greeted at the door by a creepy, drooling zombie-like clown that started following me, and after a brief moment of almost frantically running for my life in the opposite direction, I decided that I must be in the right place.

Christopher Lueck, host and producer of the show, explained that this was a Clown Playground of sorts where the goal is to present the broadest range of clowning styles, sort of like a workshop where clowns can explore their craft. So, the revue is different every time with new performers. Amanda Pekoe, another producer watched the show with the audience. Most of the audience consisted of members of the clown community (and then there was me!).First up was DZIECI. Picture an entire chorus full of bucktoothed, burlap-swaddled odd- looking characters singing in 4 part harmony. WHAT REALITY DID I FALL INTO?? They were acting out an innocent sacrificial lamb sacrifice (puppet lamb of course). Funny Honey squeals, “Hahaha- I love puppets!” in her adorable sing-songy voice. I smile.

Suddenly the lamb talks them into an innocent HUMAN sacrifice instead, followed by the group chasing the poor biggest dumb guy through & on top of the audience (quite literally). The audience clowns were laughing and I was giggling in spite of myself.

I honestly felt quite guilty watching and laughing at them because they kinda seemed like a group of retarded children. A friendly clown audience member explained to me that that was indeed the point- this Grotowski inspired style of clowning intentionally breaks all the rules to take you to a deeper realm of gutteral, more primal performance, where uncomfortable reactions from the audience are a good thing. Apparently this form of performance is rare and seeing DZIECI perform was actually a unique privilege.

Brent McCoy was a more traditional type of clown in big pants and suspenders and it was fun to watch him juggle 3 orange traffic cones while balancing 2 on his head. Dottie Lux performed a hot little burlesque number in clown face- she can really work a crowd and a pair of fishnets and pasties.

Ariane Anthony (pictured above) gave a quirky-fun performance/lecture on the earth’s animals and environmental concerns while intentionally sharing the most unsexy cabaret number ever known in the history of cabaret numbers, complete with briefcase, librarian glasses and clown nose. (Go Ariane for bringing awareness to earth/animal issues in a creative way- as a tree/bunny hugger- I was quite impressed!)

My absolute favorite clown act of the evening was Mark Gindick. This extremely physical performance started with air guitar and transitioned into body guitar when dance partner Kathryn Fraggos joined him on stage. Soon they were awing us with lifts and twirls in true ice-skater fashion to a crazy version of “Roxanne”. Kudos to choreographer, Wendy Seyb.

Overall: A few of the performances went on a tad too long, but they were all pretty cool and creative. For clowns it’s clownarific! For general public its dorky fun. For boring, stupid or high-falutin’ people it would be something to avoid at all costs. So, if all the world’s a stage & everyone’s a clown, go dust off that silly old red clown nose & make somebody smile. The New York Downtown Clown Revue happens on the 3rd Monday of every month.

On April 7th the Lord smiled down upon the Earth for Ben & Jerry’s declared it Free Ice Cream Cone Day for all! I set out on a holy pilgrimage that day out of respect, religious fervor and a gluttony for sweets that stands unparalleled throughout the land. The following is a recap of that glorious ice creamtastic day.

Noon

3rd ave by 10th street

I head out to hit all the Ben & Jerry’s in Manhattan (Brooklyn scares me.) This first location has little to no line. I figure it’s because the pot smokin’ hippies of the east village don’t get their wake and bake munchies till later in the day.

I order a chocolate fudge brownie cone and donate $2 to the store’s pet charity: Breast Cancer Action Coalition. At long last I get to combine my twin loves of fudgy ice cream and boobies.

12:40pm

23rd street and 8th ave

After a ten minute wait I finally get my Half Baked cone. I don’t know what’s in it, but I love it. This store is collecting money for Break the Cycle: an aids awareness bike ride through NYC. I think it’s very cool that as the stores give out free cones they are also collecting for various local charities.

Next door to the shop is one of my favorite places on the planet. A bar called Trailer Park. I decide to stop in for some tater tots. Turns out this decision would almost be my undoing.

1:45pm

Macy’s Herald Square, 4th floor

Filled with tater tots, my stomach starts to churn as I head through the fourth floor of Macy’s to reach my next target. In order to get to the Ben & Jerry’s in Macy’s one has to walk through a football sized shoe department.

By the time I got to the counter all I could smell was old shoe, and my tounge was actually covered in a fine film that tasted of foot.

Fortunately, there was no line here and I dug into my Creme Brulee cone banishing the foot flavor from my tastebuds and replacing it with golden deliciousity.

2:15pm

Rockerfeller Center- underground

This was by far the longest wait of the day. I stood for 45 minutes with slack jawed cubicle zombies as they waited for a brief taste of happiness in their otherwise meaningless 9 to 5 lives.

I had the Cherry Garcia and felt altruistic as I donated to their pet charity: The St. Stanislaus Losta Church. It was also around this time I began to cramp up.

3:30pm

43rd street and 8th ave

I haven’t had a brain freeze all day, but I started getting milk blindness at about this point. My insides were soupy, my bowels were declaring a state of emergency and my arteries were begging me to quit. But dammit, my journalistic integrity wouldn’t allow it.

I brave a ten minute line and donate a few dollars to The Dwelling Place, a shelter for homeless women. Then another cone: Strawberry Cheese.

4:15pm

104th street and Broadway

The line here’s about twenty minutes, mostly because the local grade school just let out and the children are swarming. I yell at two little punks and a homeless man who all tried to cut in line ahead of me.

I get my last cone of the day: Sweet Cream and Cookies. This store isn’t collecting for charity, but they have a face painter. I ask her if she could make me look like Gene Simmons from Kiss. She gives me a dirty look. All in all a very successful day!

Plan For Next Year:

• Best Location: Macy’s- No line and they offer every flavor

• Worst Location: Roc Center- The line’s too long and the people are like depressed prisoners in a white collar hell

• Best Flavor: Creme Brulee (available exclusively at Macy’s)

• Worst Flavor: Foot (available exclusively at Macy’s)

All jokes aside, it’s a wonderful thing when companies use promotions like this to raise money and awareness for charities. It’s a lesson from which we can all learn.