Booze & costumes, BOOZE & COSTUMES!

There’s gotta be more to the New York Art-Mob scene these days than booze and costumes. Well, booze, costumes and shopping carts in this scenario.

The 2007 Idiotarod was this past Saturday, the 3rd annual of such events when NYC Artsters of every stripe and color tie themselves to shopping carts, get drunk as a skunk-punk in a funk at a whiskey distillerty and haul ass through the city.

Based ironically (Kids these days LOVE the irony!) on the Alaskan Iditarod: A 1,151 mile dogsled race through Alaska which -for over a hundred years- has been proudly subjecting sleddogs and their mushers to brutal conditions such as blizzards, white-outs, gale-force winds, and wind-chill temperatures that drop to about -100 degrees F! (Heck, Disney made a movie about it, so it must be a good thing!)

If that sounds idiotic, you a’int been to the Idiotarod yet! The Idiotarod transfers this race down to the pavement of Gotham for all of us to enjoy. The Siberian Huskies have been replaced with Binge Drinking Idiots, and the dogsled with the ultimate symbol of transport for the nomadic derelicts of the city:

The Shopping Cart!

The Idiotarod has been going strong for 3 years now, reaching dangerous levels of popularity in the most recent. Over a hundred teams competing for first place, or best in show (or best sabotage) with the properly expected level of police force there to accompany us and relagate us to racing only on the sidewalks. And anyone who received the email that the race was starting a McCarren Park, well, it looks like you followed the Red Herring. A fake starting point was given out to throw off the onlookers and the real Idiots who registered online at www.cartsofbrooklyn.com were called and given the actual starting point at —— Park at the NW tip of Greenpoint.

The pre-race socializing was a jolly, festive affair. Team ‘Noid (after the Pizza Hut character) was ready in full costume with pizza-making supplies. Team Idiota-Rod Stewart was belting out “IF YOU WANT MY BODY!”. Team 24 was running around in dire desperation to find some bomb, or terrorist or kidnapped daughter or something, while team Silent But Deadly acted out nefarious scenes from silent film shorts of the 1920’s. Team Barrel O’ Monkeyz threw poop at people and Team Borat yelled out “JegShamesh!!” at everyone they passed, giving sloppy kisses on the cheek. Team Guitar Hero air-guitared in sparkle-wigs to battery-operated boombox hair-metal. Team Wonder-Woman showed in five matching red blue and gold uniforms and Team Cosby all had the same creepy-ass Bill Cosby mask. There was Mayor McCheese and the Funky Bunch calling out Team Burger King and the Whoppers for a showdown. Team Stripper Dudes gained some uncomfortable bonus points for giving lap-dances to judges wearing nothing but speedos, bow-ties and stocking caps.

As Captain of The Brooklyn Bums, I decorated my cart, myself, and of course, my whole team so that we would be indistinguishable from 5 homeless people with their cart, trying to make some spare change and then BANG! SABOTAGE!! Yet, I made the unfortunate mistake of running afowl of the Trans-Fat Fat Trannies and found myself bombarded with a handful of Crisco in my nose and mouth.

Geez, even for a bum that was gross.

And then when the race started we!…

Well, come to think of it, I was swigging from a handle of White Horse the whole way, I don’t remember anything past huffing and puffing over the Pulaski Bridge getting slammed with eggs and maple syrup by team Sunday Brunch.

I remember that there were Booze and Costumes…

IDIOTAROD 2007!!

Bovine Wind picture taken from paultphoto on flickr